38 weeks, 1 day 12/19/2018 |
My body was telling us it was time to be done with this pregnancy but baby boy was not. Meaning my blood pressure was high but I was only dilated to a 1 at my appointment a couple hours earlier. We got to the hospital around 2pm and by around 3:30pm we were all checked in and I was hooked up to my IV with pitocin starting at a 4. In the meantime I was having contractions and apparently they did something because at this point I was at a 2. The plan was to just keep increasing the pitocin throughout the evening and my doctor would head over after work and break my water. I hadn't got the epidural yet, I was hesitant with how my body hadn't progressed much at this point and luckily the contractions were fine. Uncomfortable during but that was it. At 6pm my doctor shows up and breaks my water and at this point I was pushing a 3. Almost immediately after the contractions on pitocin in combination with my water broken hurt so bad! With Bentley my water broke before I had any contractions so this was new. But again knowing I was barely a 3 and the pain went away in between contractions, I felt fine waiting for the epidural. But that didn't last long! Around 7:15pm I asked for the epidural but the anesthesiologist was on call and had to get to the hospital so it wasn't until 8pm that he showed up. 8:20pm I am feeling right as rain! I seriously love epidurals. Also at this point I was at a 4. My nurse told me to let her know if I feel light headed, dizzy or nauseous because sometimes epidurals cause that but I wasn't worried. But about 2 minutes after she left I had to call her back in because sure enough I got all of the above. My blood pressure had dropped to a normal range from my high blood pressure I was induced for. Nurse comes in and hooks some medicine up to my IV and says it should fix it in about 5-10 minutes. Instead of that it actually got worse. I currently am telling Jonathan exactly what I am feeling because I know that I am going to pass out at any point and then if I do he will know exactly what is going on hahaha. Nurse comes back in because she sees my blood pressure has tanked low! Like in the 90's which for my body was crazy. I want to say it was about an hour total of them switching medicines that I was feeling completely better. By 10pm Jonathan and I were comfortable and actually getting some rest which we didn't get at all with Bentley's labor. I was exhausted pushing Bentley out which I am sure that is what made it 3+ hours so this rest was a high priority for me. So that is what we did. Christmas Vacation on the TV
and sleeping. 12:45am I was finally at a 5. Hot damn this is taking a long time! Long as in 2 hours or so to progress 1cm. But I was totally okay with it because my body is doing what it needs to, baby is doing just fine this entire time and I am actually really comfortable. My body and babies just take their sweet time and I am 100% okay with that.
After epidural, before blood pressure drop |
12/20/2018 4:23am 7lbs 6oz 19 inches |
Jonathan sending me pictures from the nursery |
One happy family! |
Grandma Elaine |
In recovery by myself, before bleeding out |
At this point I am just really frustrated with how the morning went once they went to the nursery and I came to recovery for a few reasons. The nurse was all over the place, my baby was away from me all morning, I didn't get the immediate skin to skin, things like that. It was just a chaotic morning and things were nothing like how I assumed or expected them to be but finally things are settling down where visitors are leaving and we can get some rest. I really am aching to hold my baby and since I am laying completely flat to help the bleeding my mom comes and tucks him into my gown and for 2 minutes I get to hold him. After that the nurse is back taking him to the nursery to check is blood sugar. WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT RIGHT HERE? It is a foot poke! I should be able to hold him while you do this. His blood sugar was just below where it should be so they bring him back and the only thing we are told is that they will keep checking it. That is it. My biggest problem at this point is that there is one very common and proved way to help regulate blood sugar (and breathing!) in babies. Skin to skin. But they keep taking him away and out of the room any time I get a chance to do it including right after delivery. He was just borderline with his levels and I am POSITIVE that if they would have just let him lay on me instead of have him in the nursery it would have regulated on it's own. At least in those early hours after delivery. We get a little time to ourselves before the nurse is back in ready to check him again but this time she does it right in our room. WTF. I am out of words. I have no idea what this nurse or hospital is up to. His blood sugar is still low so she tells us that if they check it again and it's low he has to be admitted to the NICU. UM WHAT. We weren't told that this was ever on the radar with him. We were only told they will continue checking his levels. We now try to give him just a straight bottle to get it up but he is so tired and isn't interested in the bottle. She takes him AGAIN to the nursery to be evaluated by the next level up and to call the doctor. The nurse comes back in to tell us he is being admitted to the NICU and time seemed to stand still. How did it suddenly escalate to this point? I am crying and we start telling this nurse about everything wrong with this day and how things were handled since the minute he was born but mostly since we have been in recovery. How we were told 3 different things from 3 different people, how he was separated from us most the day, how we should have been told together after his first stay in the nursery what the plan was going to be and what might happen plus many other things. We were so caught off guard we didn't even know what to think. But it was happening. He was going to the NICU just 12 hours after being born. After she left we both just cried and cried. We felt like we had no time with him so far (which we didn't) and couldn't do anything about it. The head NICU nurse came down with him and he had his IV in already and was ready to be hooked up. Heart freakin' broken.
To be clear, I am not doubting that he had a blood sugar issue. I am not doubting that it got to the point where he needed to be in the NICU for care. I just really think that through other, more simple ways it could have been fixed and what they kept doing wasn't really necessary. I felt that the nurse was overwhelmed with the mom and baby needed a lot of extra care and she should have called in for another nurse for help. I feel like the labor and delivery floor in general could use some help or different focus.
Being admitted. This picture breaks my heart to pieces. |
The plan was to feed him and in three hours test his blood sugar and if it is below 50 (higher than the 45 he needed throughout the day) than he will go on a sugar IV for at least 24 hours. If not than it just needs to stay high on its own for the next day. It was 55 when he was admitted. I nursed him and then held him forever just crying. I know it sounds silly because of course he is ok! No matter what this won't be long, some of these babies are here for months. It was just the realization that I had held him for maybe 2 hours total all day and now he is here and I feel like I didn't even get a chance to know him yet. It was new, unexpected and scary. We were supposed to be in our room with our family visiting us and the next morning we would be discharged and be home for the holidays. But those plans changed so fast it was hard to grasp. Plus those postpartum hormones are no joke. Three hours later his blood sugar is tested and it is 41. More tears on my part. Time to get hooked up to the IV. Because this was his only issue he was able to move to a different room where he was just in a normal crib. I can't remember what they called his room but it was for babies that won't be here long and that made me feel a little better even though I already knew that. It was a little less scary looking. The sweet nurse got him into some cozy jammies and gave him a little sponge bath. That is when we noticed his blonde hair! Oh my precious thing. Now he was all settled in and the 24 hours starts now. He will be tested before each feed (every 3 hours) and if it is above 50 and then eats well, they will drop the IV amount and slowly wean him off. Once he is off he has to hold his own level for at least 24 hours. His first night shift nurse was the same nurse that took him off my chest and got him all dressed right after he was born. This gave me more anxiety about the NICU and him being there. She really was nice but I just wanted to blame her for us being here in the first place! Which is probably irrational but I just had a baby, I am allowed to be, right? We took the advice of all the NICU staff and went at slept through the night instead of going over there every feeding. Not that we slept great but we did feel much better the next morning.
Grandma Karey |
He looks so much bigger than he was. He was below 7lbs at this point! |
Friday to Saturday we slept through the night again and let the nurses do his feedings. We figured we might as well take advantage. Saturday morning we found out he was taken off his IV completely and kept his blood sugar in the 60's which was awesome! However he is still on the billi lights. We had the same nurse both Friday and again Saturday which really was such a blessing for multiple reasons. Her name was Amy and she listened to everything we had to say and when she knew we really wanted him to be home with us for Christmas she gave us the honest truth and a plan to have that happen. On Friday she told us that I could breastfeed him each feeding but since my milk hadn't come in he is using a lot of his energy and not getting much so there was very little change he would be discharged in that time frame. So with that we made a plan to just bottle feed him and anything I pumped they would store for me and we would feed him that first and then formula. When he wasn't eating well Friday morning she showed us a few tricks to get him to stay awake to eat and it worked every time! To have her again Saturday to make sure we were on track to be discharged by Sunday was a relief to us. We didn't have to try to convince each nurse what that plan was. In fact she made sure to tell the night nurse and the charge nurse what our plan was so they knew what milestones he needed to reach every three hours. Saturday she gave us the news that Rockwell needed to be off the lights by that evening in order to be discharged Sunday because he needs to now keep those levels up on his own without the lights. This added more stress. They were going to test his levels that afternoon and if they were lower they would turn off the lights, if not he is on them until Sunday at least. In the meantime I needed to get out of the hospital. My room faced a brick wall with a roof overhang so I hadn't seen the sun since Wednesday! I missed Bentley so much it hurt. I was supposed to be discharged around 10am. We waited and waited. I was so frustrated at this point because of my whole experience with the hospital but also the added feelings of just the situation as a whole. I just knew I needed to get out for just a minute. I was in the NICU with Rockwell and my dad and got a call from Jonathan saying my doctor was finally there to check me off and I yelled "KEEP HIM THERE!" and booked it to my room because I wasn't waiting any longer. We got checked out and went to Jonathan's parents to see Bentley. She didn't care to see me but she was playing and having fun. She was getting grumpy and tired so I went to pick her up and go cuddle her for a nap. She lost her mind! She was reaching for anyone but me. I took her up to a room thinking she would calm down but she didn't. She was screaming for Jonathan, wouldn't look at me or sit with me. Cue every single tear I have ever had. Jonathan came up and got her calmed down and I sat there crying my eyes out. I was so excited to see her and I missed her so much and she didn't want me at all, in fact I was making her so upset. That was a different kind of heartbreak than I have ever felt. Here I laid on the bed with my daughter not wanting me and my son at the hospital and the only thing I seemed to know what to do is cry. She fell asleep so I just let her be and we went back to the hospital. We headed to the NICU to do some discharge stuff on our part in hopes tomorrow would be the day. They took the test at his 4pm feeding (24 hours after being on the lights) and we waited and waited for the phone call with the results. The NICU closed for two hours everyday for shift changes so we couldn't be physically there.
That evening my mom was putting on her family Christmas party and Jonathan thought it was a good idea for me to go see my family and bring Bentley with and try again. I agreed. My in-laws met me at my house and helped me get loaded up to head to the party. It was really nice to get out and talk and feel normal for just a couple hours! However the results for his jaundice level was taking way longer than expected. I just kept checking my phone seeing if Jonathan text me with the results but nothing. Finally around 7:45pm he text me saying, "His levels dropped and he pooped a ton!!!!" (Pooping is a great sign for his levels dropping, clearing out his system haha) More tears of course! Who knew I had so many tears. I cried a lot over these days including just sitting in my room at night not being able to do anything. So this news of the hopeful chance he will come home tomorrow was amazing! My parents took Bentley home with them and we went back to the hospital to do his last feeding and then actually went home to sleep even though they gave us a free stay-in room. Before we left his nurse (who was the nurse who initially took him into the NICU) told us not to stress or worry, that everything will be okay and just was so apologetic that he even had to be in the NICU in the first place. We talked about why this was so hard for us when we knew he was okay and this was so temporary. It was because it was unexpected. He is full term and you don't plan on your full term baby going to the NICU and not being able to be with them all the time. With that being said I know how blessed we were with just a few day stay compared to months. In fact, during this time we had two close friends were finally adopting their two babies they have waited for but they were born early. So they spent weeks over Christmas 4 hours from home and family being with their twin boys. With that perspective alone, I know we had it so easy!
After Jonathan text me the good news, he sent me this picture. "I gave him his first fohawk!" He was so proud. |
He really is the Top Dad! |
Jonathan had to snap a picture of this picture from the hallway from L&D to the NICU. It gave us the creeps every time we passed it. |
Then we were home! He slept and we were so full of energy. We unpacked everything and got the house clean. Got laundry going. Bentley was dropped off by my mom and she had also gotten sick unfortunately. She didn't handle the transition very well the first few days and that could be because she got sick or that she had been handed off from person to person the last 4 days. Jonathan got sick shortly after me and after spending the holidays with our families I am not sure there was one person who wasn't sick or had been sick recently. It was brutal! And of course despite our best efforts Rockwell also got sick. We spent Jonathan's paternity leave all being sick at some point which was a bummer. Rockwell is so similar yet so different than Bentley. The faces he makes and things he does remind me so much of her as a newborn but his sleeping, need to be held and help to go to sleep is so different! Although it has been harder, I really do love that he is different and needs his parents. Bentley was fairly independent right out of the gate, enough that she wouldn't breastfeed. I questioned so much whether she even needed me, which I know is silly. But there is no doubt that this little boy needs his mom. To eat, to sleep, to calm down, to relax. It has made for some special moments that I'll cherish forever!
Rockwell's cousin Jim, 6 days older with their dads |
Is this not the best? |
Bentley's feelings on waiting on us to take care of Rockwell |
It's silly to say how much we love him because obviously we do but there was something special about getting him here and now having him here. It has been hard but we would do it again for him. Looking back at the hospital and NICU stay it doesn't seem as irritating but I know in the moment it was and I really want to remember it for me. With it came a lot of special and personal moments for Jonathan and I. Looking back now after getting to know Rockwell, I think he needed the pit stop between heaven and earth, which is exactly what the NICU is. There is no doubt there are angels among those babies, parents and nurses. I feel humbled to have been apart of it. We are so grateful and so in love with our little guy and can't wait to watch him grow while also wanting him to stay a baby forever. Welcome to the world Rockwell, we hope you know what you signed up for. We are a lot to handle!
Those skinny legs!! (Just like Jonathan) |
That soft, blonde, whispy hair!! |