Six months of motherhood

Another three months have gone by and I didn't blog like I said I would. Thank goodness for Instagram and being able to post from my phone quickly to document all the moments of my Bentley girl. When she was born I made her an email address and an Instagram account so I can post all I want of her and make chatbooks later and also to send her pictures and show them to her when she is 12, 16 maybe 18. I haven't decided! Everyday there are so many new pictures. I LOVE this digital age to capture so many amazing moments to share with family and friends or to keep to myself.

Last time I blogged I remember Bentley sleeping right next to me for hours. Her naps were so long! And she took like four naps a day. Today as I'm blogging she is climbing up my body, grabbing my finger to chew on while her other hand is grabbing my iPad screen and I keep having to erase what she is typing. This girl doesn't slow down. So much has changed in these last few months and I truly don't know where the time went. This past week after Bentley turned 6 months I went back to look at the pictures from when she was first born. Like right out of the chute first born. I forget how amazing that first day was. It seems like yesterday yet ages ago all at the same time. But each day only gets better. She gets cuter, smarter, happier, crazier, chunkier and louder.

(Bentley is now trying to get the water bottle I threw across the bed. Kicking me over and over trying to crawl)

Motherhood has been far more amazing than I thought it would be. I now understand everything every parent has ever said. I know I am that annoying over-sharing parent that thinks her child is the best but I can't help it! It has truly filled many holes in my life and I won't apologize for it. I will celebrate it. When Jonathan and I first got married I knew I wanted kids but I think it was out of habit of what other couples do and knew it was far down the line. Like 5 years down the line AT LEAST. In high school I don't ever recall even thinking about wanting kids. As time went on in our marriage and our siblings, cousins and friends started their families I started thinking about it more. I got warmed up to the idea but still was fine at the moment without them. And then suddenly something switched in my head that I wanted kids, a family. More so that I knew I had kids waiting to come join our family here on earth. I thought that I wanted to be a mother then. And then it just increased when it took a year of trying, the miscarriage of our first, getting pregnant again and even having Bentley. But the want and love of being a mother has truly grown more than I can explain. I don't even know how to put it into words. But the day she was born so many things got instantly better and I knew I was meant to be a mom. I didn't realize it in the early and blurry months of parenthood but now things are clearer. What a change since 5 years ago, but I guess that's what time does.

(Bentley is now pulling Memphis' hair. He is biting her. Whatever)

It hasn't come without its challenges though. I feel like the challenges have nothing to do with Bentley directly. There is now a spot in my brain that never shuts off no matter where I am or what I'm doing. That spot is constantly wondering if Bentley is okay. Is she breathing? Is she sick? Is she teething? Is she throwing a fit for grandma and grandpa? Is she having fun? Am I teaching and playing with her enough? Is she growing like she should? Is she healthy? The worry and concern never stops. And staying at home. I really am so grateful I can stay at home with her. And honestly I think about leaving her everyday and it makes me so sad and stresses me out. But it has been such a big adjustment for me. I really loved my full-time busy job and the people I worked with. So going from that to suddenly home all day with a baby was a big change. I'm still not used to it. Lately I've been so bored and even though there are things I could do, like clean, I don't want to because I do it allll the time! But it has gotten better. I think it will get even better when Jonathan is done with school because right now when he gets home he is studying or doing homework and it's still just me and a baby all day. In all honesty I would rather be bored at home than miss my baby all day. But there are plenty of bonuses too! I have sisters (in laws) that are also home and we get together often to hang out so that's helpful. It also has allowed me to find hobbies (which I didn't have much of before) and interests in new things. I also know without a doubt I have made life easier on Jonathan during this crazy time of life. The biggest bonus: since I don't get ready for work everyday I barely put any heat on my hair during the week so my hair is finally growing and is much healthier! Even though it's also falling out by what seems like the pounds.

(Bentley is screaming at the wall because she is stuck. Again)

Some updates on us: like I mentioned I am now staying at home. I spend the downtime practicing modern calligraphy, painting my nails, reading, baking (I still don't like cooking - sorry babe), and planning future Disney vacations. Jonathan is in his final months of receiving his Accounting degree from WGU. He switched jobs back in April to Diamond Rental in their accounting department and he loves it. He was called shortly after to be the Elders Quorum President. In his down time (hahaha yeah right) he works out and watches movies (specifically in the movie theater, he could live there). This man is the hardest worker I have ever met. He never stops. He runs on 5-6 hours of sleep, wakes up at 4:30 to do his school work, will fit in 15 minutes of working out before work, comes home to do his calling, more school and most importantly spend time with his girls. He never forgets that and it makes our day. I seriously cannot wait to have my husband back! It's been like this since we got married but more intense lately. Next week is our 5 year anniversary which I can't believe. And in the fall we are going to play at Disneyland. Where else, right?

Overall, life is good. We are blessed. We are happy. We are awesome.

Bentley Elizabeth

This year I was going to blog a lot since writing in a journal takes more time and I wanted to make sure I remembered every moment of our child's life. Well it is April and I am just getting to the first post. Go me! Turns out that motherhood takes a lot of time but better late than never, right? I will try and do better! Blogging is really for me to always have these posts to look back on but sometimes they are fun to share. I often forget specific moments or feelings and if I can get them down somewhere it is nice to look back on and remember. 

Pregnancy was so good to me. Everything went so smoothly. Each doctors appointment and new month only brought boring but good news. I mean I got back pain just over halfway through my pregnancy and my feet were incredibly swollen after working the last couple months. And the last few weeks I literally thought she was going to fall right out and break my body doing it. But that is normal and so minimal compared to what some people go through. After miscarrying early last year my anxiety every doctors appointment was through the roof and I was so grateful that each time everything was 100% okay up until she was born and then still 100% perfect.

8 weeks

22 Weeks on our Babymoon in Disneyland!

39 + 7 (The day before labor)

My water broke Sunday morning (January 22nd) when Jonathan got home from his church meetings at about 8:45am. It wasn't all at once like in the movies so Jonathan had to convince me that it actually did break and I needed to go to the hospital. Apparently the constant leak of water across the floor wasn't enough for me to figure it out. I was finally convinced but waited around a little while to see if I was going to start having contractions. Nothing. Up until this point I was 2 days shy of my due date and dilated to a "2 plus" and hadn't felt any contractions at all. I knew with my water broken though that the clock starts ticking so we headed to the hospital.

Admitted to the hospital

Pitocin time

After being admitted I was started on pitocin around 11:30am. I started feeling contractions a little while later but nothing big. Slowly they got a little worse where the contractions REALLY hurt but after it was done I felt totally fine. Then around 4:00 they got so bad that I couldn't even relax in between contractions. We tried everything before giving into the epidural but it was hard hooked up to the pitocin. I was always going to get an epidural (Hello, that thing is amazing) but I had heard sometimes it slows progression and I was already nervous for a c-section so I waited a little bit. It was so bad I finally got the epidural around 5:00 and then about a half hour later they checked me again. I was at a 3. A 3! I dilated ONE centimeter from 11:30am to 5:30pm with contractions to the point I couldn't handle them!! WHAT!? I thought for sure I was going to need a c-section at this point. I was hours into labor with barely any progression. After the epidural though I was so comfortable and warm I was just able to relax and that is when I started progressing much faster but still slow.

After the epidural. Life was sooo good for a couple hours.

My mom thinking baby will be here soon. hahaha 

I don't remember a whole lot time wise after that but I think around 9:00pm I was a 6 or 7 and around midnight I was at a 9. Within that time I started having so much pain because of the pressure. The pressure of the contractions were killer! No one tells you that the epidural doesn't get rid of that! And before I was a 9, every contraction was forcing me to push but I couldn't since my body wasn't there yet. So many times I thought for sure she was already halfway out but nope, not even close. Around 1:00am I think I was finally ready to push. Pushing is hard. Incredibly hard. At least it was for me. This girl was in no rush to get out still and every time I would push her to the point where they call the doctor in she would just suck right back up. I pushed for 2.5 hours!! Part of that was a nap because I was truly exhausted. Like I would fall asleep, feel a contraction, wake up to push as much as I could and then repeat. Word of advice, don't do that. Just sleep before you need to push a baby out. It will be much easier. At one point I turned to Jonathan crying telling him that I absolutely could not do this but he kept reassuring me and even gave me a blessing while I was in a middle of a nap, contraction, whatever was going on. At this point it was truly a blur. (Jonathan told me afterward that he also thought I wasn't going to be able to do it. Hahaha I don't blame him). The nurse and my husband decided to let me sleep for a little bit instead of me telling them that I needed to push through my insane exhaustion. Again, I thought I was going to need a c-section because this girl wasn't coming out. The doctor and nurses were so impressed that her heart rate was perfect the entire labor and delivery. She was in no stress and healthy as could be. As it turns out, the reason I was needing to push before I was ready, why I was pushing so long and why I could feel my contractions through my epidural was because she was posterior, or sunny-side up! And back labor! (That sucked, bad). Babies are usually face down when they are born and she was face up. I remember my nurse kept saying "I can't tell which way she is facing". And I guess most babies start posterior but turn during labor but their is a small percentage that don't, like my child. Finally after I got a little sleep, I pushed her to the point they needed the Doctor. He came in, I pushed and Jonathan said, "You are so close!" (he had been saying that for two hours, bless his husband heart) but this time it was real, he could see her head and I could feel it. That gave me enough to push one more time and I felt the most relief I have ever felt in my life! Not even being dramatic. I laid there so happy and for just a second, I forgot I had a baby. Have a baby, then you can judge me.

She was finally here. 7 lbs 14 oz and 20.5 inches long. They laid her on my chest as she cried and got cleaned up. And then we snuggled. And I cried. And snuggled some more. She was so quiet and just stared at me. I don't think I heard her cry for 3 days. I remember thinking her eyes looked so big staring at me and 3 months later she still has those big eyes. Holding her I remember feeling like I would do my long labor and delivery all over again. I really had forgotten so much of it after seeing her. Jonathan and I had longed for this day and it was finally here. 20 hours of labor later.

Her name is Bentley Elizabeth Nay. Jonathan and I both had one name we liked but the other didn't agree on. So we kept going through names and nothing sounded right. A few months before she was born I saw Bentley on our boy list and took a chance bringing it up to Jonathan. He liked it! A lot actually. He doesn't like names that are for both genders but he said he didn't know anyone named Bentley. (I know boys and girls named that, but I love those names). We thought about it but didn't make a decision until like a month before she was born. I love girl names like Rose, Grace, Elizabeth but Jonathan absolutely doesn't so since Bentley is gender neutral I got a girly middle name for her.

Recovery sucked at first but I had pain meds and was in the hospital for the worst part. I had an awesome third degree tear that Jonathan witnessed and still loves me afterwards. But I healed up fast and fine as far as I know. Jonathan was super helpful the entire labor, delivery, recovery and everything else. It's so true that you gain so much more love and appreciation for your husbands when you have a baby! He is truly so incredible and I am glad I have him by my side.

The first month was the hardest. I had the "baby blues" for a couple weeks and I felt like I was crying all the time and so anxious about this new life. Jonathan would ask me what was wrong but I didn't really know. I didn't understand feeling this way since I was SO excited for this part of our lives. But after a couple weeks I was back to normal and I am sure my husband was extremely grateful. I was set on breastfeeding but Bentley wouldn't latch. This didn't help with those after birth hormones. I worked with multiple Lactation Consultants and even had one come to my house to help us out but after two months I decided I didn't want to be wasting my day away. It was a lot of work between trying to get her to latch, making a bottle instead to feed her, pumping after to keep up my supply, cleaning the parts then just trying to get a bite to eat or shower or something and then doing it all over again. I was so heartbroken (and all the judgey comments from people didn't help) but seeing how happy and content Bentley was made it all easier.

I got this smile the second night she was home! 

She is so happy. She sleeps SO well. She has let us go on with our lives without a ton of change. This girl is the biggest blessing. Last year started so rough and this year has made up for it. People tell you how much you will love your baby but there isn't anything to prepare you for it. It has been so special. We have learned so much and I am already thinking I could do this again. (Too soon? haha) She has made it pretty easy and we just love her so much.

Any time I try to feed Bentley, Memphis decides
it is time for him.

Our little Bentley girl is three months now and sleeps 11 hours straight every night, drinks 5 ounces every 3 - 4 hours, can hold her head up pretty good and loves standing on her feet instead of sitting. She loves smiling to everyone and talking to Mom and Dad. I got one giggle out of her but can't get her to do it again! She is tall for her age now but I am sure that will slow down at some point since her parents aren't. This girl is now our whole world and we understand what everyone tells you about being parents. It has already had hard, worrisome and stressful moments but also the funniest and most special.

I have decided to be a stay-at-home mom. It is so different than what I am used to but I really think it will be good. It already has been! I try to do my best for her everyday and hope that she will grow up knowing that. Three months have gone by so fast already and I am glad I can be here with her and not miss a thing.

This is really what we do all day ;)

Gender Reveal

I have always wanted to do a Gender Reveal party! I think they are such a fun and creative thing to do at least once. I loved the idea of finding out with the people you care about. We decided to do one with a dinner for our family and close friends. We wanted it to be somewhat of a thank you for the help they gave us during such a crazy year of getting pregnant, miscarrying and getting pregnant again. Our family ended up doing so much of the work anyways, they are the best! I really wanted to go out to a place where we could shoot a big box filled with colorful explosives because we love shooting guns so much but it was turning out to be a lot of work to get people and food out to a place where we could legally shoot a rifle. So we settled for paint balling in our backyard and it was so fun!

Jonathan and I went to our appointment on a Tuesday and we didn't find out the gender until Saturday night. Our friend Brandon loaded paint ball guns for us so he was the only one that knew first. I thought I would drive myself crazy wanting to know the gender but once I saw our sweet little baby on that ultrasound screen I didn't even care. I was so grateful to have a healthy little baby and that got me through the week. It wasn't until Brandon came out with the guns that it hit me that I was going to have a son or daughter! It didn't sink in for a few days anyway.

Here are some pictures from the party. We have the best family and friends and are so grateful to all of them for their help this year. We love you all!

The sun was brutal.

Our sweet nieces and nephew that sure helped get through some hard times!

Everyone at the party!

We cannot wait to meet our baby girl!!

Miscarriage

I feel so silly trying to write this post but I have found a lot of comfort in some other blogs I've read recently and maybe this could help someone else, knowing a lot of women and couples have to suffer through the same thing. I'm also comforted by writing out my feelings in hoping they don't get too bottled up or even just having this to go back and read later in life, maybe when it will seem smaller than it does right now. I have written this in pieces on random days throughout my journey when I needed to talk out my feelings or what was going on. I don't have many that read my blog so really this will be for me.

Since we got married I had often told Jonathan I had a feeling that having kids might be a trial for us. I knew nothing other than we lived a very blessed life and that when we did have kids that could be our test and trial, but what did I really know? In the beginning of 2015, Jonathan and I both had the feeling and want to expand our family. We were ready to have children. We both prayed and felt great about it. I did everything I could to make this happen fast and right including going to a pre-pregnancy Doctor appointment, taking prenatal vitamins, continuing diet and exercise and had all the tools and knowledge to know exactly when I would be ovulating. I was so prepared!

Month one came and went. Not pregnant. That's okay, who gets pregnant that fast? Month two came and went. Negative test. A little discouraging but only because I was so ready for it to happen. Month three same thing. I start researching how fast it generally takes women to get pregnant. There are high percentages until six months of actively trying, I feel better. Month four through six came and went again. I'm now very frustrated and confused. I had this all planned out, I knew exactly when I was ovulating! How could this not be working? Jonathan was so supportive, reminding me that it will happen and when it does I'm going to be a great mom. Month seven, eight, nine and ten passes and now Jonathan is also frustrated. The wait each month to take a test is hard and waiting just to see a negative result is harder. If we felt so right about starting our family why was it not working? My personality is very organized and I like things planned out. Each month I would plan when the baby would be due, when we could find out the gender, when would I go on maternity leave at work, when could we tell everyone our good news? There were so many tears. Would I ever be a mom? Trying to get pregnant was getting old and we started telling a few family members we had been trying. The decision we made was very personal between us but being asked when we were going to have kids or why we didn't already hurt. A lot.

Month eleven we bought a house. We were still trying and very comfortable where we were living but I think we wanted something to happen in our lives, something to finally change. We bought the first house we walked into because it felt so right. That month didn't hurt as bad finding out we weren't pregnant because at least we had a house to look forward too. Month twelve hit and Jonathan asked me one night if we were going to try this month. I was so frustrated, we still weren't in our house yet due to a delay of the property and so many other things were going on. The timing wasn't lining up. I said no. He turned to me and said, "After all the heartache we have been through this past year you aren't going to try just because of these small things that don't matter? You plan each time around what is going to be happening but you have to let it go." It hit me. First that I knew he still understood the heartache I would feel if it was a failed attempt again but that I knew I had to stop worrying about the future. I needed to learn to just live now - no planning for something I didn't know was there. So we did try again. Two weeks later we got a positive test.

I told myself I wasn't going to take any more tests because it was a waste. I was just going to let things happen and if I missed my period then I would. I woke up early one morning after Jonathan had left for work and had a slight feeling to take a test. I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. It kept coming back. I knew we had one test left from a while back so I got up and took one. Almost immediately there were two dark pink lines. I couldn't believe it! Was this really happening? Am I reading this right? One line is not pregnant, two lines is pregnant. This is really happening! I cried and cried. I was SO happy, I couldn't wait to tell Jonathan. Since I am a planner I had a cute idea to tell him we were having a baby a year ago. Luckily, I was up early and was able to unpack boxes to get what I needed. During the day I got 4 more tests just to be sure, I still couldn't believe it. I now had 5 positive tests to prove to my husband I was pregnant. Yes, I'm crazy. That night I had to play it cool to get Jonathan out of the house to tell him. It was the middle of January and I was taking him geocaching in the dark. He is the sweetest and only hesitated a little. I took him out and told him we were having a baby the exact way he proposed to me 3 1/2 years earlier. I even used the same ring box. It was such a special moment, we were finally getting our baby!

January 23, 2016  Copperton Park

One week later we moved into our new home. What perfect timing this turned out to be! The day after the fatigue set in. I slept for 5 hours that day! Two days after that morning sickness set in. And by that I mean all day sickness. I was in full pregnancy mode. The next few weeks were such a blur. I could barely make it through work and by the time I got home I was throwing up or sleeping. Jonathan was so amazing. He unpacked everything. He made my little and weird amounts of food. I couldn't even go in the kitchen without throwing up. He cleaned and cooked, was doing his schooling, got everything set up with us now being homeowners and took the best care of me. I would fall asleep downstairs next to him doing homework and I would wake up the next morning with me in my bed, water bottle filled and saltines next to me and my phone charged for the day. He was already at work. I have never loved him more! I kept telling him I owed him everything.

Finally 8 weeks hit and we went to the doctors. I laid on the ultrasound table and watched the nurse show me how big my baby was and what parts were what. She turned on the sound and there was my baby's heartbeat. I had tears streaming down my face. I was so in love. The sickness that was so frustrating before didn't even matter anymore. Anything was worth it for this little one. Because of how sick I was we had told our coworkers, parents, siblings and close friends that we were expecting. It was never my plan to tell that early but we kept having to cancel plans and make excuses to not do things. But I was so sick and feeling so many symptoms strongly what could hurt in telling now, right?

Baby Nay February 18, 2016, Heart rate 145!

A couple weeks later my sickness eased up quite a bit. I was so worried. It's not the end of the first trimester yet, something could be wrong. But I was still throwing up and nauseous just not as bad. I still had plenty of other symptoms so why worry? I had no cramping or bleeding either. Pregnancy got a little easier for a moment, I could cook small things and even start decorating the house finally. I was finally thinking about the fun part of pregnancy. Is it a boy or girl? How should I decorate the nursery? We have way more boy names then girl names picked out.  There was so much to look forward to! It was already time for another appointment, 12 weeks already?

Jonathan worked from home that day to go to the appointment with me. It was St. Patrick's Day. We got in and they did the usual check ups. The doctor started looking for the heartbeat. This felt like hours that he was moving around trying to get a heartbeat. He kept reassuring me that sometimes they just move around and it is just a matter of finding the right spot. I just stared at the ceiling waiting and waiting. The doctor asks if we want to see our baby today and they would do an ultrasound to get the heartbeat. We sat in the waiting room which also felt like hours. I just stared at the wall with Jonathan next to me whispering that everything would be okay. I sat and watched woman after woman walk in with a cute pregnant belly, some ready to pop. I had a little hope that things probably were fine. The nurse called my name and I walked back to the same room I heard my baby's heartbeat just 4 weeks ago. She started doing the same thing as the doctor, pushing around hard and taking measurements. Looking at the screen this time it just felt different and we couldn't see much. She asked me, "We got you in for your 8 week appointment, right?" Yes. "And we heard the heartbeat?" Yes. I turned to Jonathan to hold his hand and he had tears running down his face. The nurse turned the sound on to get the heartbeat and there was just a red line across the screen. My heart sunk as well as my head and I cried. We cried. We had lost our baby.

They left us alone for a while where we just sat there in total shock and disbelief. How could this happen? I was still feeling so pregnant, I still am feeling so pregnant! So many thoughts were running through our heads and we couldn't even sort through them. The nurse came in and gave me the biggest and best hug. The doctor came in and said some really nice and helpful things though I didn't think so at the time. I didn't want to hear anything. I wanted my baby to be alive and that was it. Our baby was measuring just over 8 weeks and we were told it could be older but maybe shrunk after it had passed on. Since my body hadn't recognized to miscarry in possibly 4 weeks I unfortunately had to make a decision what to do to get the baby out. What a horrible thing to say and even to think. But it was the truth and it had to happen. The doctor gave me some insight for how to do it and the pros and cons to my options and gave me time to think about it and decide later. We left the office in a completely different world then when we walked in.

We sat in the car with more and more tears. I had to start thinking about life that was still going on around us, I was supposed to be at work by now. I had to call my boss but not just them, everyone else that knew too. I was horrified and completely humiliated. The drive home we weren't crying anymore but we were numb. It was silent. We were both just trying to even grasp what had happened so fast. I got home and just laid in bed and Jonathan called both our parents to let them know and asked to let everyone else know as well. We could barely get through telling one person what had happened. We didn't want to see anyone and we just stayed home dealing with it together. My mom came over that afternoon though and without even realizing it she is the only other person I wanted to see. I laid on her and we both cried. My mom also has experienced this before and I knew she understood and she let me just lay there and cry.

Throughout the day we got calls and texts that were so hard to read at that time but it was so overwhelming to feel so loved in such a dark time. Over the next couple days we kept receiving those calls and texts as well as flowers, cards and small gifts. Some of our best friends brought us over meals to eat over the next week or so and it was so great. Not that we couldn't make food but we weren't hungry at all and we forgot to eat most the time. We were truly overwhelmed by everyone taking the time to make sure we were loved and that they were praying for us because looking back I know that is what carried us through that week. We felt so blessed to know all these wonderful people and we cried more just thinking about it.

From my sister-in-law Sarah who unfortunately experienced a miscarriage only 1 1/2 years ago.
I have been grateful to have her by my side through this helping me along. 

Almost three days after we found out we lost our baby my body decided to miscarry on its own. I was so scared for this to happen because I didn't want to see anything or go through this knowing I was losing my little one. It was a small blessing in disguise to miscarry this way as it was extremely painful. Because of that my mind was completely off any emotional state while I just tried to stay alive. It sounds dramatic but it was that bad. I found myself at times not being able to even stand up or even get words out. I was trying heating pads, baths, different positions but nothing was working and it was just getting worse. My parents came by and gave me medication that finally took the some of the pain away. My dad helped Jonathan give me a blessing and even though I don't remember any of it I know that is what got me through that day. I do think things would have been much worse if I didn't have that blessing. This day was the most of it and the worst. Physically as the next few days went on everything slowed down and got back to normal and I could function again. The day after the miscarriage (Monday) I went into the doctor to get an ultra sound to make sure everything was clear especially since this wasn't the original plan. I was laying on the table feeling really good. I felt a sense of closure and was proud of my body for doing it on its own and doing it right. I thought to myself that this wasn't going to be that bad and I am already on the uphill. The next morning I woke up and Jonathan had to get back to work. Everything came crashing down again. I felt so lonely. My sister-in-law came over for lunch and brought us crafts to do to help keep me company. I wish I could say it made it better. My body wasn't doing good physically and emotionally I was just trying to hold it together. Jonathan called to see how I was doing and he came home immediately. As much as everything hurt the only comfortable place was with Jonathan there. So much for being on the uphill.

The next morning I had to get back to work. I was worried since I still cried so often and I didn't want to relive what happened. I made it through the rest of the week and as much as I didn't want to go back the first day that didn't change. I still have a hard time going to work and being as productive and positive as I was before. I really was such a different person for a while, it still is kind of there. I just want my baby and more than ever I want to be a stay at home mom no matter what it takes. So going to work reminded me I might be doing this forever if I can't have kids. I thought of getting a new job that might make me happier but I know it wouldn't. At least not right now.

I find myself just trying to deal with the hurt and loss. How do I make myself feel better? I knew I wasn't in a normal place and I was trying to get out and do anything to make it better. I tried to talk about it with people but I never had the right words and more often then not the others didn't understand or didn't care. Or like Jonathan it just doesn't help him to talk about it like it does for me. I was laying in bed the other night reading a blog about moms that saw there baby after they miscarried and saved them and had a nice burial. I didn't see mine but I couldn't stop looking at pictures of what our baby would have looked like. What would I have done? I also was looking up ways to memorialize the loss. I really was looking for anything to make my life easier and get back to normal. I saw that some people do jewelry with hand or footprints or even birthstones. I liked the jewelry idea but what birthstone would I do? February, March or September? Maybe even October since the due date was September 30th. Jonathan started helping me look and we found a charm bracelet with a four leaf clover on it. I just cried. That is exactly what I need. That was it isn't limited to this baby for many reasons. One being the chance that this baby might try again for a body once more and I just need to wait a little longer. Our baby will be our lucky charm for the future and everyday I get to have that reminder and maybe not miss them so much.

 I have gotten back to normal life for the most part now. There isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think about it. Work is still hard. Seeing anyone pregnant or with a baby is still hard. The worst part is the milestones. When I would start the second trimester. When we would find out the gender. How big the baby was supposed to be now. A banana, that's how big. I want so badly to be sick again. I want to be sore and so tired I could sleep through anything and for hours on hours at a time. I miss all the symptoms. As miserable as they are it would mean that I would be pregnant. The days are roller coasters. One moment I am fine, really fine. And by night I am crying until I fall asleep as I miss them and think of all the possibilities that were once there.

I can't believe that something has changed my life so much or that I have to miss something so much. To many people this would seem so silly and wonder why I even talk about it or why I don't move on. And I don't blame them, before I went through this I thought I understood it but I didn't really. I don't have any answers I just know how much it hurt to go through and continues to be and also how I am dealing with it all. However, I am so grateful for the healing process that has taken place for me the past couple months. When this happened I never wanted to try again or be pregnant. I was so stubborn and just wanted what I had back because things were perfect. I had a hard time talking to those with kids or who were expecting. I was so angry and my anger was over stupid things. There were truly dark times in the process, ones that I never want to go back to. Places I really didn't know who I was at the time. Now I am excited to get pregnant again. I am scared but really excited. I look forward to the future a little brighter now. I want to hold my nieces and my nephew. I have accepted the trial and tried to learn from it and take from it to be a better mom. A better person really.

Today I am extremely grateful for the power of the Priesthood and the power of prayer that has helped me get through this. I am grateful Jonathan is worthy to give me blessings and that he prays by my side every night. Truly, where would I be without him? Prayers were answered and comfort was given. My testimony is stronger than ever before. Our marriage is stronger than ever before. Because of my Heavenly Father and Savior I was able to get up in the morning and get back to life and also come home and cry until I couldn't see anymore. I knew when this happened that it was a trial for us and that things would be okay. I knew that immediately. But I just couldn't wait to get to that point. Today I know that I am at that point. I found out my rainbow baby will be coming end of January 2017. I am so scared. I am so happy. I will never forget this experience, especially as I am still dealing with it. I'm not sure it will ever be easy but at least I have faith and hope in better and easier times. I have such a special place in my heart for all of this, especially my first baby. Things will be okay, they always will.

This picture is for me to look back on and realize how crazy I am.
But right now I don't even care.

2015 in review!

I can't believe how fast this year has gone by. This year has been different than the first few for us. We have had to face a few more trials than usual and it felt like we were just stuck a few times but we certainly know how to make the best out of situations. There were a lot of positives this past year! We went on some vacations. Disneyland, camping, St. George to name just a few. Jonathan graduated from SLCC and started his Bachelor's degree at Western Governors University, he also started a new job at Vivint to start his career in accounting. We got 3 new nieces this year that we just adore! We gained one sister-in-law and one brother-in-law -  Jonathan's side of the family is complete with spouses now. To end the year we are buying our first home! We actually got the house back in November but it wasn't owned previously for more than 90 days so due to law we have to wait a little before moving in and actually closing on it. (More waiting...) It was supposed to be our Christmas present but it looks like that will come a few weeks late. I will post pictures when we are in! We just celebrated Christmas with great family and friends. Next week is J's birthday. 25 years old! Looking back at this year the first thing I think of is how grateful I am for him and how proud I am for all his big accomplishments this year. I don't know if I would have survived this year without him!

Here is a glimpse of our 2015! (I never have the patience to get the pictures in order, I will try and put dates on them)

Early this year Jonathan's best friends Cole had emergency back surgery to remove a rapid growing tumor. He is okay now!

August 2015 - Our 3 year anniversary out on Sand Hollow in St. George. Beautiful!!

Cliff Jumping of course!

Happy 3 years to us! 

August 2015 - My portion of J's graduation gift from his parents. A paddleboard!

My cousin/twin (we are one day apart) got married on Valentine's Day!

Cornbelly's in October. Love this little one!

April of this year we snuck away to California for a few days. We didn't tell anyone...Shh!

In May we got to meet Jocelyn. Neice #3.

We did a few rounds of hiking this year. This was in May up Big Cottonwood Canyon

Got a Selfie Stick! It has been put to good use. 

Cut my hair in June! A LOT! It is an A-line so much shorter in the back.
Also this is a work selfie because I worked a lot. 

June - Danielle got hitched!

4th of July fun with Cole and Cheyanne at Bear Lake!

Pioneer Day boating with friends on Jordanelle.

More Pioneer day weekend camping with this hunk. Dutch oven desserts are his favorite!

September Niece #4 came along. Audrey was so tiny!

September - bachelorette party fun to introduce Andrea to the Nay side.

Christopher is married!

September we went to see Brad Paisley with Cole and Chey. That is him in the background.

End of September we had a friends trip to Disneyland!

October niece #5 was born. Our little Kindle is so cute!

Fall fun with Norah. Being an Aunt and Uncle is so fun!

Halloween with friends!

No Shave November. I am not a fan! Bring back the beard.

Jonathan surprised me with a little party for my birthday. 23 this year!

A little sneak peak of the house. November we found our house and got it!
Just waiting to move in. It seems unbearable at times.  

Fun with friends! Tyler's birthday mid December

Star Wars finally came out! We loved it!

Christmas with the Fahey side. Everyone is growing up!
Top Row: JJ, Heather, Gavin and Brooke (2)
Middle: Dad, Mom, Dacey (7), Natalie, Kira, Audrey (3.5 months)
Bottom: 2 very awesome people.

Little Kindle on Christmas, now 2 months old!

Dang! Good looking couple right there.


It was a good year. I really can't wait to see what 2016 brings. I think it will be good!
Happy New Year to all our friends and family!