Miscarriage

I feel so silly trying to write this post but I have found a lot of comfort in some other blogs I've read recently and maybe this could help someone else, knowing a lot of women and couples have to suffer through the same thing. I'm also comforted by writing out my feelings in hoping they don't get too bottled up or even just having this to go back and read later in life, maybe when it will seem smaller than it does right now. I have written this in pieces on random days throughout my journey when I needed to talk out my feelings or what was going on. I don't have many that read my blog so really this will be for me.

Since we got married I had often told Jonathan I had a feeling that having kids might be a trial for us. I knew nothing other than we lived a very blessed life and that when we did have kids that could be our test and trial, but what did I really know? In the beginning of 2015, Jonathan and I both had the feeling and want to expand our family. We were ready to have children. We both prayed and felt great about it. I did everything I could to make this happen fast and right including going to a pre-pregnancy Doctor appointment, taking prenatal vitamins, continuing diet and exercise and had all the tools and knowledge to know exactly when I would be ovulating. I was so prepared!

Month one came and went. Not pregnant. That's okay, who gets pregnant that fast? Month two came and went. Negative test. A little discouraging but only because I was so ready for it to happen. Month three same thing. I start researching how fast it generally takes women to get pregnant. There are high percentages until six months of actively trying, I feel better. Month four through six came and went again. I'm now very frustrated and confused. I had this all planned out, I knew exactly when I was ovulating! How could this not be working? Jonathan was so supportive, reminding me that it will happen and when it does I'm going to be a great mom. Month seven, eight, nine and ten passes and now Jonathan is also frustrated. The wait each month to take a test is hard and waiting just to see a negative result is harder. If we felt so right about starting our family why was it not working? My personality is very organized and I like things planned out. Each month I would plan when the baby would be due, when we could find out the gender, when would I go on maternity leave at work, when could we tell everyone our good news? There were so many tears. Would I ever be a mom? Trying to get pregnant was getting old and we started telling a few family members we had been trying. The decision we made was very personal between us but being asked when we were going to have kids or why we didn't already hurt. A lot.

Month eleven we bought a house. We were still trying and very comfortable where we were living but I think we wanted something to happen in our lives, something to finally change. We bought the first house we walked into because it felt so right. That month didn't hurt as bad finding out we weren't pregnant because at least we had a house to look forward too. Month twelve hit and Jonathan asked me one night if we were going to try this month. I was so frustrated, we still weren't in our house yet due to a delay of the property and so many other things were going on. The timing wasn't lining up. I said no. He turned to me and said, "After all the heartache we have been through this past year you aren't going to try just because of these small things that don't matter? You plan each time around what is going to be happening but you have to let it go." It hit me. First that I knew he still understood the heartache I would feel if it was a failed attempt again but that I knew I had to stop worrying about the future. I needed to learn to just live now - no planning for something I didn't know was there. So we did try again. Two weeks later we got a positive test.

I told myself I wasn't going to take any more tests because it was a waste. I was just going to let things happen and if I missed my period then I would. I woke up early one morning after Jonathan had left for work and had a slight feeling to take a test. I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. It kept coming back. I knew we had one test left from a while back so I got up and took one. Almost immediately there were two dark pink lines. I couldn't believe it! Was this really happening? Am I reading this right? One line is not pregnant, two lines is pregnant. This is really happening! I cried and cried. I was SO happy, I couldn't wait to tell Jonathan. Since I am a planner I had a cute idea to tell him we were having a baby a year ago. Luckily, I was up early and was able to unpack boxes to get what I needed. During the day I got 4 more tests just to be sure, I still couldn't believe it. I now had 5 positive tests to prove to my husband I was pregnant. Yes, I'm crazy. That night I had to play it cool to get Jonathan out of the house to tell him. It was the middle of January and I was taking him geocaching in the dark. He is the sweetest and only hesitated a little. I took him out and told him we were having a baby the exact way he proposed to me 3 1/2 years earlier. I even used the same ring box. It was such a special moment, we were finally getting our baby!

January 23, 2016  Copperton Park

One week later we moved into our new home. What perfect timing this turned out to be! The day after the fatigue set in. I slept for 5 hours that day! Two days after that morning sickness set in. And by that I mean all day sickness. I was in full pregnancy mode. The next few weeks were such a blur. I could barely make it through work and by the time I got home I was throwing up or sleeping. Jonathan was so amazing. He unpacked everything. He made my little and weird amounts of food. I couldn't even go in the kitchen without throwing up. He cleaned and cooked, was doing his schooling, got everything set up with us now being homeowners and took the best care of me. I would fall asleep downstairs next to him doing homework and I would wake up the next morning with me in my bed, water bottle filled and saltines next to me and my phone charged for the day. He was already at work. I have never loved him more! I kept telling him I owed him everything.

Finally 8 weeks hit and we went to the doctors. I laid on the ultrasound table and watched the nurse show me how big my baby was and what parts were what. She turned on the sound and there was my baby's heartbeat. I had tears streaming down my face. I was so in love. The sickness that was so frustrating before didn't even matter anymore. Anything was worth it for this little one. Because of how sick I was we had told our coworkers, parents, siblings and close friends that we were expecting. It was never my plan to tell that early but we kept having to cancel plans and make excuses to not do things. But I was so sick and feeling so many symptoms strongly what could hurt in telling now, right?

Baby Nay February 18, 2016, Heart rate 145!

A couple weeks later my sickness eased up quite a bit. I was so worried. It's not the end of the first trimester yet, something could be wrong. But I was still throwing up and nauseous just not as bad. I still had plenty of other symptoms so why worry? I had no cramping or bleeding either. Pregnancy got a little easier for a moment, I could cook small things and even start decorating the house finally. I was finally thinking about the fun part of pregnancy. Is it a boy or girl? How should I decorate the nursery? We have way more boy names then girl names picked out.  There was so much to look forward to! It was already time for another appointment, 12 weeks already?

Jonathan worked from home that day to go to the appointment with me. It was St. Patrick's Day. We got in and they did the usual check ups. The doctor started looking for the heartbeat. This felt like hours that he was moving around trying to get a heartbeat. He kept reassuring me that sometimes they just move around and it is just a matter of finding the right spot. I just stared at the ceiling waiting and waiting. The doctor asks if we want to see our baby today and they would do an ultrasound to get the heartbeat. We sat in the waiting room which also felt like hours. I just stared at the wall with Jonathan next to me whispering that everything would be okay. I sat and watched woman after woman walk in with a cute pregnant belly, some ready to pop. I had a little hope that things probably were fine. The nurse called my name and I walked back to the same room I heard my baby's heartbeat just 4 weeks ago. She started doing the same thing as the doctor, pushing around hard and taking measurements. Looking at the screen this time it just felt different and we couldn't see much. She asked me, "We got you in for your 8 week appointment, right?" Yes. "And we heard the heartbeat?" Yes. I turned to Jonathan to hold his hand and he had tears running down his face. The nurse turned the sound on to get the heartbeat and there was just a red line across the screen. My heart sunk as well as my head and I cried. We cried. We had lost our baby.

They left us alone for a while where we just sat there in total shock and disbelief. How could this happen? I was still feeling so pregnant, I still am feeling so pregnant! So many thoughts were running through our heads and we couldn't even sort through them. The nurse came in and gave me the biggest and best hug. The doctor came in and said some really nice and helpful things though I didn't think so at the time. I didn't want to hear anything. I wanted my baby to be alive and that was it. Our baby was measuring just over 8 weeks and we were told it could be older but maybe shrunk after it had passed on. Since my body hadn't recognized to miscarry in possibly 4 weeks I unfortunately had to make a decision what to do to get the baby out. What a horrible thing to say and even to think. But it was the truth and it had to happen. The doctor gave me some insight for how to do it and the pros and cons to my options and gave me time to think about it and decide later. We left the office in a completely different world then when we walked in.

We sat in the car with more and more tears. I had to start thinking about life that was still going on around us, I was supposed to be at work by now. I had to call my boss but not just them, everyone else that knew too. I was horrified and completely humiliated. The drive home we weren't crying anymore but we were numb. It was silent. We were both just trying to even grasp what had happened so fast. I got home and just laid in bed and Jonathan called both our parents to let them know and asked to let everyone else know as well. We could barely get through telling one person what had happened. We didn't want to see anyone and we just stayed home dealing with it together. My mom came over that afternoon though and without even realizing it she is the only other person I wanted to see. I laid on her and we both cried. My mom also has experienced this before and I knew she understood and she let me just lay there and cry.

Throughout the day we got calls and texts that were so hard to read at that time but it was so overwhelming to feel so loved in such a dark time. Over the next couple days we kept receiving those calls and texts as well as flowers, cards and small gifts. Some of our best friends brought us over meals to eat over the next week or so and it was so great. Not that we couldn't make food but we weren't hungry at all and we forgot to eat most the time. We were truly overwhelmed by everyone taking the time to make sure we were loved and that they were praying for us because looking back I know that is what carried us through that week. We felt so blessed to know all these wonderful people and we cried more just thinking about it.

From my sister-in-law Sarah who unfortunately experienced a miscarriage only 1 1/2 years ago.
I have been grateful to have her by my side through this helping me along. 

Almost three days after we found out we lost our baby my body decided to miscarry on its own. I was so scared for this to happen because I didn't want to see anything or go through this knowing I was losing my little one. It was a small blessing in disguise to miscarry this way as it was extremely painful. Because of that my mind was completely off any emotional state while I just tried to stay alive. It sounds dramatic but it was that bad. I found myself at times not being able to even stand up or even get words out. I was trying heating pads, baths, different positions but nothing was working and it was just getting worse. My parents came by and gave me medication that finally took the some of the pain away. My dad helped Jonathan give me a blessing and even though I don't remember any of it I know that is what got me through that day. I do think things would have been much worse if I didn't have that blessing. This day was the most of it and the worst. Physically as the next few days went on everything slowed down and got back to normal and I could function again. The day after the miscarriage (Monday) I went into the doctor to get an ultra sound to make sure everything was clear especially since this wasn't the original plan. I was laying on the table feeling really good. I felt a sense of closure and was proud of my body for doing it on its own and doing it right. I thought to myself that this wasn't going to be that bad and I am already on the uphill. The next morning I woke up and Jonathan had to get back to work. Everything came crashing down again. I felt so lonely. My sister-in-law came over for lunch and brought us crafts to do to help keep me company. I wish I could say it made it better. My body wasn't doing good physically and emotionally I was just trying to hold it together. Jonathan called to see how I was doing and he came home immediately. As much as everything hurt the only comfortable place was with Jonathan there. So much for being on the uphill.

The next morning I had to get back to work. I was worried since I still cried so often and I didn't want to relive what happened. I made it through the rest of the week and as much as I didn't want to go back the first day that didn't change. I still have a hard time going to work and being as productive and positive as I was before. I really was such a different person for a while, it still is kind of there. I just want my baby and more than ever I want to be a stay at home mom no matter what it takes. So going to work reminded me I might be doing this forever if I can't have kids. I thought of getting a new job that might make me happier but I know it wouldn't. At least not right now.

I find myself just trying to deal with the hurt and loss. How do I make myself feel better? I knew I wasn't in a normal place and I was trying to get out and do anything to make it better. I tried to talk about it with people but I never had the right words and more often then not the others didn't understand or didn't care. Or like Jonathan it just doesn't help him to talk about it like it does for me. I was laying in bed the other night reading a blog about moms that saw there baby after they miscarried and saved them and had a nice burial. I didn't see mine but I couldn't stop looking at pictures of what our baby would have looked like. What would I have done? I also was looking up ways to memorialize the loss. I really was looking for anything to make my life easier and get back to normal. I saw that some people do jewelry with hand or footprints or even birthstones. I liked the jewelry idea but what birthstone would I do? February, March or September? Maybe even October since the due date was September 30th. Jonathan started helping me look and we found a charm bracelet with a four leaf clover on it. I just cried. That is exactly what I need. That was it isn't limited to this baby for many reasons. One being the chance that this baby might try again for a body once more and I just need to wait a little longer. Our baby will be our lucky charm for the future and everyday I get to have that reminder and maybe not miss them so much.

 I have gotten back to normal life for the most part now. There isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think about it. Work is still hard. Seeing anyone pregnant or with a baby is still hard. The worst part is the milestones. When I would start the second trimester. When we would find out the gender. How big the baby was supposed to be now. A banana, that's how big. I want so badly to be sick again. I want to be sore and so tired I could sleep through anything and for hours on hours at a time. I miss all the symptoms. As miserable as they are it would mean that I would be pregnant. The days are roller coasters. One moment I am fine, really fine. And by night I am crying until I fall asleep as I miss them and think of all the possibilities that were once there.

I can't believe that something has changed my life so much or that I have to miss something so much. To many people this would seem so silly and wonder why I even talk about it or why I don't move on. And I don't blame them, before I went through this I thought I understood it but I didn't really. I don't have any answers I just know how much it hurt to go through and continues to be and also how I am dealing with it all. However, I am so grateful for the healing process that has taken place for me the past couple months. When this happened I never wanted to try again or be pregnant. I was so stubborn and just wanted what I had back because things were perfect. I had a hard time talking to those with kids or who were expecting. I was so angry and my anger was over stupid things. There were truly dark times in the process, ones that I never want to go back to. Places I really didn't know who I was at the time. Now I am excited to get pregnant again. I am scared but really excited. I look forward to the future a little brighter now. I want to hold my nieces and my nephew. I have accepted the trial and tried to learn from it and take from it to be a better mom. A better person really.

Today I am extremely grateful for the power of the Priesthood and the power of prayer that has helped me get through this. I am grateful Jonathan is worthy to give me blessings and that he prays by my side every night. Truly, where would I be without him? Prayers were answered and comfort was given. My testimony is stronger than ever before. Our marriage is stronger than ever before. Because of my Heavenly Father and Savior I was able to get up in the morning and get back to life and also come home and cry until I couldn't see anymore. I knew when this happened that it was a trial for us and that things would be okay. I knew that immediately. But I just couldn't wait to get to that point. Today I know that I am at that point. I found out my rainbow baby will be coming end of January 2017. I am so scared. I am so happy. I will never forget this experience, especially as I am still dealing with it. I'm not sure it will ever be easy but at least I have faith and hope in better and easier times. I have such a special place in my heart for all of this, especially my first baby. Things will be okay, they always will.

This picture is for me to look back on and realize how crazy I am.
But right now I don't even care.