Six months of motherhood

Another three months have gone by and I didn't blog like I said I would. Thank goodness for Instagram and being able to post from my phone quickly to document all the moments of my Bentley girl. When she was born I made her an email address and an Instagram account so I can post all I want of her and make chatbooks later and also to send her pictures and show them to her when she is 12, 16 maybe 18. I haven't decided! Everyday there are so many new pictures. I LOVE this digital age to capture so many amazing moments to share with family and friends or to keep to myself.

Last time I blogged I remember Bentley sleeping right next to me for hours. Her naps were so long! And she took like four naps a day. Today as I'm blogging she is climbing up my body, grabbing my finger to chew on while her other hand is grabbing my iPad screen and I keep having to erase what she is typing. This girl doesn't slow down. So much has changed in these last few months and I truly don't know where the time went. This past week after Bentley turned 6 months I went back to look at the pictures from when she was first born. Like right out of the chute first born. I forget how amazing that first day was. It seems like yesterday yet ages ago all at the same time. But each day only gets better. She gets cuter, smarter, happier, crazier, chunkier and louder.

(Bentley is now trying to get the water bottle I threw across the bed. Kicking me over and over trying to crawl)

Motherhood has been far more amazing than I thought it would be. I now understand everything every parent has ever said. I know I am that annoying over-sharing parent that thinks her child is the best but I can't help it! It has truly filled many holes in my life and I won't apologize for it. I will celebrate it. When Jonathan and I first got married I knew I wanted kids but I think it was out of habit of what other couples do and knew it was far down the line. Like 5 years down the line AT LEAST. In high school I don't ever recall even thinking about wanting kids. As time went on in our marriage and our siblings, cousins and friends started their families I started thinking about it more. I got warmed up to the idea but still was fine at the moment without them. And then suddenly something switched in my head that I wanted kids, a family. More so that I knew I had kids waiting to come join our family here on earth. I thought that I wanted to be a mother then. And then it just increased when it took a year of trying, the miscarriage of our first, getting pregnant again and even having Bentley. But the want and love of being a mother has truly grown more than I can explain. I don't even know how to put it into words. But the day she was born so many things got instantly better and I knew I was meant to be a mom. I didn't realize it in the early and blurry months of parenthood but now things are clearer. What a change since 5 years ago, but I guess that's what time does.

(Bentley is now pulling Memphis' hair. He is biting her. Whatever)

It hasn't come without its challenges though. I feel like the challenges have nothing to do with Bentley directly. There is now a spot in my brain that never shuts off no matter where I am or what I'm doing. That spot is constantly wondering if Bentley is okay. Is she breathing? Is she sick? Is she teething? Is she throwing a fit for grandma and grandpa? Is she having fun? Am I teaching and playing with her enough? Is she growing like she should? Is she healthy? The worry and concern never stops. And staying at home. I really am so grateful I can stay at home with her. And honestly I think about leaving her everyday and it makes me so sad and stresses me out. But it has been such a big adjustment for me. I really loved my full-time busy job and the people I worked with. So going from that to suddenly home all day with a baby was a big change. I'm still not used to it. Lately I've been so bored and even though there are things I could do, like clean, I don't want to because I do it allll the time! But it has gotten better. I think it will get even better when Jonathan is done with school because right now when he gets home he is studying or doing homework and it's still just me and a baby all day. In all honesty I would rather be bored at home than miss my baby all day. But there are plenty of bonuses too! I have sisters (in laws) that are also home and we get together often to hang out so that's helpful. It also has allowed me to find hobbies (which I didn't have much of before) and interests in new things. I also know without a doubt I have made life easier on Jonathan during this crazy time of life. The biggest bonus: since I don't get ready for work everyday I barely put any heat on my hair during the week so my hair is finally growing and is much healthier! Even though it's also falling out by what seems like the pounds.

(Bentley is screaming at the wall because she is stuck. Again)

Some updates on us: like I mentioned I am now staying at home. I spend the downtime practicing modern calligraphy, painting my nails, reading, baking (I still don't like cooking - sorry babe), and planning future Disney vacations. Jonathan is in his final months of receiving his Accounting degree from WGU. He switched jobs back in April to Diamond Rental in their accounting department and he loves it. He was called shortly after to be the Elders Quorum President. In his down time (hahaha yeah right) he works out and watches movies (specifically in the movie theater, he could live there). This man is the hardest worker I have ever met. He never stops. He runs on 5-6 hours of sleep, wakes up at 4:30 to do his school work, will fit in 15 minutes of working out before work, comes home to do his calling, more school and most importantly spend time with his girls. He never forgets that and it makes our day. I seriously cannot wait to have my husband back! It's been like this since we got married but more intense lately. Next week is our 5 year anniversary which I can't believe. And in the fall we are going to play at Disneyland. Where else, right?

Overall, life is good. We are blessed. We are happy. We are awesome.

Bentley Elizabeth

This year I was going to blog a lot since writing in a journal takes more time and I wanted to make sure I remembered every moment of our child's life. Well it is April and I am just getting to the first post. Go me! Turns out that motherhood takes a lot of time but better late than never, right? I will try and do better! Blogging is really for me to always have these posts to look back on but sometimes they are fun to share. I often forget specific moments or feelings and if I can get them down somewhere it is nice to look back on and remember. 

Pregnancy was so good to me. Everything went so smoothly. Each doctors appointment and new month only brought boring but good news. I mean I got back pain just over halfway through my pregnancy and my feet were incredibly swollen after working the last couple months. And the last few weeks I literally thought she was going to fall right out and break my body doing it. But that is normal and so minimal compared to what some people go through. After miscarrying early last year my anxiety every doctors appointment was through the roof and I was so grateful that each time everything was 100% okay up until she was born and then still 100% perfect.

8 weeks

22 Weeks on our Babymoon in Disneyland!

39 + 7 (The day before labor)

My water broke Sunday morning (January 22nd) when Jonathan got home from his church meetings at about 8:45am. It wasn't all at once like in the movies so Jonathan had to convince me that it actually did break and I needed to go to the hospital. Apparently the constant leak of water across the floor wasn't enough for me to figure it out. I was finally convinced but waited around a little while to see if I was going to start having contractions. Nothing. Up until this point I was 2 days shy of my due date and dilated to a "2 plus" and hadn't felt any contractions at all. I knew with my water broken though that the clock starts ticking so we headed to the hospital.

Admitted to the hospital

Pitocin time

After being admitted I was started on pitocin around 11:30am. I started feeling contractions a little while later but nothing big. Slowly they got a little worse where the contractions REALLY hurt but after it was done I felt totally fine. Then around 4:00 they got so bad that I couldn't even relax in between contractions. We tried everything before giving into the epidural but it was hard hooked up to the pitocin. I was always going to get an epidural (Hello, that thing is amazing) but I had heard sometimes it slows progression and I was already nervous for a c-section so I waited a little bit. It was so bad I finally got the epidural around 5:00 and then about a half hour later they checked me again. I was at a 3. A 3! I dilated ONE centimeter from 11:30am to 5:30pm with contractions to the point I couldn't handle them!! WHAT!? I thought for sure I was going to need a c-section at this point. I was hours into labor with barely any progression. After the epidural though I was so comfortable and warm I was just able to relax and that is when I started progressing much faster but still slow.

After the epidural. Life was sooo good for a couple hours.

My mom thinking baby will be here soon. hahaha 

I don't remember a whole lot time wise after that but I think around 9:00pm I was a 6 or 7 and around midnight I was at a 9. Within that time I started having so much pain because of the pressure. The pressure of the contractions were killer! No one tells you that the epidural doesn't get rid of that! And before I was a 9, every contraction was forcing me to push but I couldn't since my body wasn't there yet. So many times I thought for sure she was already halfway out but nope, not even close. Around 1:00am I think I was finally ready to push. Pushing is hard. Incredibly hard. At least it was for me. This girl was in no rush to get out still and every time I would push her to the point where they call the doctor in she would just suck right back up. I pushed for 2.5 hours!! Part of that was a nap because I was truly exhausted. Like I would fall asleep, feel a contraction, wake up to push as much as I could and then repeat. Word of advice, don't do that. Just sleep before you need to push a baby out. It will be much easier. At one point I turned to Jonathan crying telling him that I absolutely could not do this but he kept reassuring me and even gave me a blessing while I was in a middle of a nap, contraction, whatever was going on. At this point it was truly a blur. (Jonathan told me afterward that he also thought I wasn't going to be able to do it. Hahaha I don't blame him). The nurse and my husband decided to let me sleep for a little bit instead of me telling them that I needed to push through my insane exhaustion. Again, I thought I was going to need a c-section because this girl wasn't coming out. The doctor and nurses were so impressed that her heart rate was perfect the entire labor and delivery. She was in no stress and healthy as could be. As it turns out, the reason I was needing to push before I was ready, why I was pushing so long and why I could feel my contractions through my epidural was because she was posterior, or sunny-side up! And back labor! (That sucked, bad). Babies are usually face down when they are born and she was face up. I remember my nurse kept saying "I can't tell which way she is facing". And I guess most babies start posterior but turn during labor but their is a small percentage that don't, like my child. Finally after I got a little sleep, I pushed her to the point they needed the Doctor. He came in, I pushed and Jonathan said, "You are so close!" (he had been saying that for two hours, bless his husband heart) but this time it was real, he could see her head and I could feel it. That gave me enough to push one more time and I felt the most relief I have ever felt in my life! Not even being dramatic. I laid there so happy and for just a second, I forgot I had a baby. Have a baby, then you can judge me.

She was finally here. 7 lbs 14 oz and 20.5 inches long. They laid her on my chest as she cried and got cleaned up. And then we snuggled. And I cried. And snuggled some more. She was so quiet and just stared at me. I don't think I heard her cry for 3 days. I remember thinking her eyes looked so big staring at me and 3 months later she still has those big eyes. Holding her I remember feeling like I would do my long labor and delivery all over again. I really had forgotten so much of it after seeing her. Jonathan and I had longed for this day and it was finally here. 20 hours of labor later.

Her name is Bentley Elizabeth Nay. Jonathan and I both had one name we liked but the other didn't agree on. So we kept going through names and nothing sounded right. A few months before she was born I saw Bentley on our boy list and took a chance bringing it up to Jonathan. He liked it! A lot actually. He doesn't like names that are for both genders but he said he didn't know anyone named Bentley. (I know boys and girls named that, but I love those names). We thought about it but didn't make a decision until like a month before she was born. I love girl names like Rose, Grace, Elizabeth but Jonathan absolutely doesn't so since Bentley is gender neutral I got a girly middle name for her.

Recovery sucked at first but I had pain meds and was in the hospital for the worst part. I had an awesome third degree tear that Jonathan witnessed and still loves me afterwards. But I healed up fast and fine as far as I know. Jonathan was super helpful the entire labor, delivery, recovery and everything else. It's so true that you gain so much more love and appreciation for your husbands when you have a baby! He is truly so incredible and I am glad I have him by my side.

The first month was the hardest. I had the "baby blues" for a couple weeks and I felt like I was crying all the time and so anxious about this new life. Jonathan would ask me what was wrong but I didn't really know. I didn't understand feeling this way since I was SO excited for this part of our lives. But after a couple weeks I was back to normal and I am sure my husband was extremely grateful. I was set on breastfeeding but Bentley wouldn't latch. This didn't help with those after birth hormones. I worked with multiple Lactation Consultants and even had one come to my house to help us out but after two months I decided I didn't want to be wasting my day away. It was a lot of work between trying to get her to latch, making a bottle instead to feed her, pumping after to keep up my supply, cleaning the parts then just trying to get a bite to eat or shower or something and then doing it all over again. I was so heartbroken (and all the judgey comments from people didn't help) but seeing how happy and content Bentley was made it all easier.

I got this smile the second night she was home! 

She is so happy. She sleeps SO well. She has let us go on with our lives without a ton of change. This girl is the biggest blessing. Last year started so rough and this year has made up for it. People tell you how much you will love your baby but there isn't anything to prepare you for it. It has been so special. We have learned so much and I am already thinking I could do this again. (Too soon? haha) She has made it pretty easy and we just love her so much.

Any time I try to feed Bentley, Memphis decides
it is time for him.

Our little Bentley girl is three months now and sleeps 11 hours straight every night, drinks 5 ounces every 3 - 4 hours, can hold her head up pretty good and loves standing on her feet instead of sitting. She loves smiling to everyone and talking to Mom and Dad. I got one giggle out of her but can't get her to do it again! She is tall for her age now but I am sure that will slow down at some point since her parents aren't. This girl is now our whole world and we understand what everyone tells you about being parents. It has already had hard, worrisome and stressful moments but also the funniest and most special.

I have decided to be a stay-at-home mom. It is so different than what I am used to but I really think it will be good. It already has been! I try to do my best for her everyday and hope that she will grow up knowing that. Three months have gone by so fast already and I am glad I can be here with her and not miss a thing.

This is really what we do all day ;)