Number Three

I think I have a secret wish or hope that someday I am going to look back at posts like these and be so grateful I had these trials. The fact that they are happening now instead of later. Or maybe have them to share with someone who is going through the same thing just in hopes this is all for a reason, but I really don’t know. I do know I should get these feelings out somewhere just for myself. Life has been so hard lately. (The word hard being just a small piece.) 2017 came with our biggest blessing, Bentley, but it was really rough at certain points for many reasons. Anyway, I’m just exhausted with it all. And I don’t know how to fix it or to feel better or to move forward or how to get that fresh start. I thought the new year would be the fresh start but it came crashing down in less than a month.

Last year there was overall stress to being a new mom, staying home, cutting our finances nearly in half, Jonathan pushing hard to graduate, etc. Dealing with those pretty normal adult life things were so hard some days. Some months even. But we figured them out pretty quick and made a plan to get through it. Some of it we are still dealing with but it doesn’t take over my life and stop me. Not saying life hasn’t been hard before, but it has just been non-stop and tiring recently. And to top last year off we had a second miscarriage. It was early on, before an ultrasound even but it hurt so bad. I think more than anything it was frustrating and made us really angry. It it always sad to lose a pregnancy and baby but we found ourselves not as attached but just mad. We just wanted to get pregnant again, it felt like it was right, everything was perfect. So perfect it happened on our first try which hadn’t happened to us before. But then a couple weeks later it’s gone. So, why did we even have to get pregnant in the first place? This one was very different for many reason, a lot we weren't expecting. Some of it was easier and some much harder. It kept us down longer than I would have thought. But we started feeling better after trying some things and got out of the funk, we were pretty happy with life again and decided to try again.

We got pregnant right away mid-December. We were so happy but of course stayed a little cautious. I felt like I had this pattern now of miscarriage then baby. So this one meant a baby and everything was going to go just fine. And it was. My doctor and his nurses were on my pregnancy so fast as I was worried about miscarriage. Progesterone was prescribed day one and blood work done day two along with an early ultrasound at 7 weeks. Everything was perfect. I also got incredibly tired and sick on New Year's Day, big fat first trimester symptoms that everything is right on. Our 7 week ultrasound came around beginning of January and Jonathan came with. I was 7+2 and sure enough we saw our little baby with a heart beat, 127 bmp. So tiny. So amazing. Baby was measuring 6+5 and that worried me but my doctor assured me I’m so early it’s hard to measure and three days is nothing to worry about because it’s all estimation anyways. Phew. Anyways everything was seriously so perfect. We were going to have our little August baby in no time.

Pretty Progesterone pills 

Top is heartbeat, baby is far left.
Bottom is a tiny tiny baby.
I've never seen it so early. 

The day after Bentley’s birthday I had my 9 week ultrasound, again the doctor just keeping me checked on. I had been so sick, throwing up multiple times a day. In fact I was hurling in the bathroom as everyone showed up for Bentley’s party the night before. Jonathan asked if he should go with me to the appointment but I said I’m so sick, I feel good about it and I’m not even worried. So I go with just Bentley in tow and we start the ultrasound and the baby is measuring right on, 9 weeks exactly. Phew again. But then I notice I can’t see the little heart flicker. I’ve seen so many ultrasounds I know you can always see it. And there is nothing there. The doctor searched and zoomed and tried to find a heartbeat but no sound, no flicker. This is when it got very blurry. Probably shock. I remember doing a vaginal ultrasound after to get a closer look and make sure. I think he just saw how shocked I was and just did it knowing nothing would change. Still nothing. He talks to me about stuff. I remember the words three miscarriages, D&C, emergency room, testing, and I’m so sorry. And then sends me down to the better ultrasound machines and techs again just to be sure. He leaves the room and I lost it. Just crying so hard and sweet Bentley is sitting on her chair playing with her toy and looks up at me and starts to get watery eyes and a little frown and just laid on me. The sweetest hug. She is  amazing.

I go downstairs and realize I haven’t told Jonathan and text him, “No heartbeat” and he immediately left work to come wait with us for the last ultrasound. I remember both of us were barely holding it together and Bentley was crazy happy. She went from person to person saying hi and playing, jumping on the chairs. Everyone was in love with her which was sweet but we were in such a zone we weren’t paying much attention at all. The ultrasound tech was ridiculous. Knowing my baby has just passed away she kept talking about random stupid things trying to make us laugh. Shut up lady. Sure enough no heartbeat and we left. We drove home in separate cars and I was hysterical the whole drive home, barely could see the road. I just kept saying, “That’s my baby. That’s my baby.” I couldn’t kick the image of the baby measuring right where it should. We get home and Jonathan tells me he had a really strong feeling, stronger than he has ever had before, that the baby was going to live. Which I know sounds crazy, but I was having similar feelings and the day before I heard a story of a girl that had the same experience but right before her D&C they did an ultrasound and the baby had a heartbeat again. I couldn’t stop thinking of that. So the next few days were very confusing and hard. We were still very sad, very upset but kind of had hope. It was just weird. It seemed so crazy but overwhelming at the same time. I was also still so sick which gave us more hope and no cramping or bleeding yet. We set an ultrasound appointment for Monday afternoon and my D&C was scheduled for Tuesday. During this waiting time my mom mentioned to Jonathan a similar story of someone she knows that ended up seeing a heartbeat again on their baby. I really had hope this time, I mean how else does this stuff all line up? We go in Monday afternoon and told my doctor that he probably thinks I’m crazy but I need to be 100% sure before I do anything. He assured me I’m not crazy and the last thing he would want to do is take away a viable pregnancy. My doctor and his staff are incredible. That could be a blog post of its own but his nurses (one that was my last nurse during Bentley’s loooong labor and delivery) and receptionist have given me so many hugs and so much love. I love them. But sure enough the baby hadn’t grown, in fact it was starting to shrink, you could see my uterus collapsing down and starting to run it’s course. What? We were so confused and then sad and then mad again. We had such strong feelings for this to happen for us. Why? Everything made sense. We deserved this miracle. But it was for sure gone.

They gave me a sealed envelope with the
ultrasound pictures to look at when I was ready.
Look at the size difference in just two weeks.

It was good we went in anyway to talk about everything since the last appointment was so blurry.
We got more information on the procedure to make sure I wanted to do it, talked about where we go next if we want to, and the slap in the face fact that now that I have had three, my chances of another miscarriage increase. Increase. Meaning my so far 25% chance of carrying and having a baby are even lower. I was horrified to do the surgery as I’ve never had surgery or been under general anesthesia but knew anything would be better than doing it on my own this far along like the first one. Hence remembering the word emergency room from the last week. I should have gone to the ER the first time around. But I did it and was well taken care of at the hospital. My anesthesiologist gave me something before I left Jonathan to make me really tired and made me not really care what was going on which was actually really helpful. Before I knew it I was waking up and crying. Of course. The aftermath of this was significantly better than the other times. About 4-5 days after the D&C the pain picked up a lot but died down by 7 days. Then picked up again later that second week. Still a better option for me. Then we went home and really had to deal with life.

Three miscarriages. Three. I think this one may have broke us both. We are lost. We are hurt. We are heartbroken. We are still angry. I feel embarrassed which I get can seem silly but I do. I feel like I’m letting Jonathan down. I’m letting myself down. Truly I don’t think I can actually put words together to explain all that I’m feeling. And I know Jonathan is feeling just as intensely as I am though it might be different feelings. It sucks. I am very aware that there are worse problems. I’m aware I “at least have Bentley”. I’m aware that “we can get pregnant easily” though it did take a year the first time, another question we have. All these things have been said to us and we know and realize it already but no matter what we still have to navigate through this. Unfortunately for us it’s not a drop it and move on. We have tried hard to do that with the first two but there were times it was like physically impossible to do so or when we didn’t deal with it, it just came back later. So right now it’s figuring out how to handle all of this. How do we not take it out on each other? How do we not share this side with Bentley? How do I get up and get ready in the morning? Or cook dinner or clean the house. Or be around other pregnant people. Or any people. Or control any emotion to not disturb everyone else’s life and ya know ruin the party. It’s just all hard. Hard for us. Trials for us to figure out and learn from I’m sure. We don’t understand yet. We just know that we knew what we wanted, went for it and none of it has gone to plan. It has been the most difficult road for us as a couple and individually. For me especially that always has a plan, and sets expectations when I have a hint of anything. So when it’s not going to happen anymore I think it really messes with me.

I can’t tell if I’m on more of an extreme or rare side that takes miscarriages harder than most. I mean I definitely have talked to many people who feel the same but I always second guess myself when I talk to people and they expect me to be at my level 10 like normal. I have tried getting out of the house and being normal and having fun but no doubt every time I go home I am so emotionally exhausted and wake up the next morning feeling worse than the day before. Even that is such a chore for me. That alone is hard as I am a very happy person. I am the one who bounces back or is always positive and happy but this is so different. It has taken over our lives in so many ways. Sometimes I feel like I have to apologize for feeling so down because usually I’m the opposite but Jonathan has had to teach me to not try so hard to be “fine” all the time. Which has been hard because sometimes I freak myself out with how I feel. But it’s helped. I’ve had to not tell certain people that it happened again for a while and not be around a lot of people at times but I'm trying to treat this one different. The first two were really hard, they are still hard to deal with so I’m finding myself being careful with every piece of it this time to do it the right way if there is one. I knew right away this one was going to be far worse so I am just hoping to not be completely taken over by this forever.  So far it isn't working too well.

I have so many thoughts, questions, worries and wonders on my mind 24/7. My mind just doesn't shut down. I wonder if Bentley is our miracle, only child. I wonder why I have had three, I worry what the problem is. I wonder if I did something wrong. I feel so many emotions all day including crazy and embarrassed. I feel angry with a lot of people even though I have no reason to. I feel silly how much this hurts me sometimes. I can't get the image out of my head that there wasn't a heartbeat. I hate that I felt confident this pregnancy and felt like there may be a miracle. I feel frustrated not having our plan that we had. I am trying to figure out why this particular thing is happening and what we are supposed to learn from it. Mostly just lost and trying to see the new plan. I crave being pregnant past the first trimester and having a baby. And the newborn stage and everything after that. I loved every bit of it with Bentley. Once upon a time I didn't even have kids on my mind. Even when we were first married it seemed so far away and not so interesting. Now look at me. What has happened to me?

I am really trying to think of the good out of this. Because I am very aware there are worse things going on in the world and also to people right in front of me, some I know very well. I know I just need some perspective. I am grateful we found out about the miscarriage sooner rather than weeks later like my first. Thinking and feeling like you are pregnant when you aren't is no bueno. I am also grateful for all the care we received after the fact. My doctor and his staff plus the hospital crew was so awesome. Our families too. My parents have been particularly helpful and caring for us the past month like they really understand how much this one messed us up. Also for some ladies in my ward that got me out of the house to eat ice cream and talk all night. And everyone who brought us meals (because we really forget to eat, it has been a month and I still only eat one meal a day). Especially my cousin who did that and cried with me as I dealt with it all. Also the random moms in a facebook group because I had no one else to reach out too when I was stressing about the D&C and wanted to talk to others who have had three miscarriages. I find comfort in talking things through with people that have experienced it. They gave me some great support, advice and hope. I am soooo grateful for my Bentley girl. I don't know what I would have done these past two times without her. I think she is aware of our feelings and what is going on. Her love is healing. She is magic.

And Jonathan. What a freakin' champion. I know he is hurting and mad but he continues to carry me along everyday. I am gushy about him all the time but he is completely deserving of it all and more. His heart is pretty big. I fell in love with him so fast and it has just gotten more and more over the years. And somehow the challenges just make us better. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows what to say and what to do to make me feel like I can handle it all. More than anything I am grateful I have him. He is mine forever. I feel like I could do anything as long as he is by my side. I do know we will get through this. I know time will heal. I know one day I will be crazy off the wall again. I know one day I will think about it less and it will hurt less. And I don't know this but I hope with everything I have I will be able to carry another baby. That is the hardest part of all of this. My heart aches for it all again so badly but I don't know when or how that is going to happen anymore. This miscarriage left us with a path wide open and no clue of what it to happen. I hope it treats us good.